I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
