He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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