in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
