Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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