There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
