So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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