I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize