I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
