Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
