Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
