WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
