i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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