three words: i give head
three words: not that well
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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