my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
