well I can't set my house on fire every night
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
