i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
