God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Sacagawea was the original milf.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
