i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
