I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
