I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
