I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Randomize
