ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I think I won the penis lottery.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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