brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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