Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
