i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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