after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
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