When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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