allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize