My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
