Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
