she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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