I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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