You're a womanizer and a bitch.
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
