My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
