Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
only you would photoshop your dick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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