i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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