Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Randomize
