Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
