6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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