I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
