I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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