I just cut my nipple shaving
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
