I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
