why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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