I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
