at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
we're making bets on your personal life
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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