I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
