they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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