oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
