My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
