You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There's always time for handjobs
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
