I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
