how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
