Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I think my fart just growled at me.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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