Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
