I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
