This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
