did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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