I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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